A grandfather’s love
February 24th, 2010 | Published in Ian-ything Goes | 32 Comments
Last week, my grandfather taught me about something the Chinese call the “Five Blessings” in life, or Wu Fu Lin Men.
The Chinese believe that if you wanted to look back at your life and heave a big sigh of satisfaction when death comes knocking at your door, all you need are five things – health, wealth, longevity, integrity and hospice – or something like that.
You see, my grandfather wasn’t explaining all this to me over our reunion dinner, or over one of our dim sum sessions that has grown increasingly rare as I grew up. He was telling me between gasps of air, with barely enough strength to speak above a whisper.
After being healthier than me all my life – jogging every day, eating healthy and staying more positive and cheerful than I’ve ever been – he was diagnosed with terminal leukemia just over a month ago, and given between a few weeks to four months to live.
I remember the first time I visited him at the Selayang Hospital, Kuala Lumpur, after his diagnosis. Just as it was with all those postponed dim sum sessions, I’d been too busy with work and life in general, only finding time to see him three days after he was admitted.
When I finally got to the hospital, he was looking weaker than I had ever seen him, and one of my aunts told me he had been asking about me.
The love of a grandparent involves a lot of waiting, often alone.
I awkwardly asked him a few questions in my broken Hakka (my family’s dialect) about how he felt and what the doctors said. Of course, he said he felt fine, though he looked far from it.
Later when we were alone in the room, he sat me down and told me he knew his time was almost up. He would be refusing chemotherapy because he had lived a good, long life and wanted to die in peace.
Being typically unselfish, he added that I didn’t need to visit him if I was busy, and that I should go out and enjoy myself a bit more.
That night, I went home and cried. People often talk about the love of a father or mother, but it was then that I truly realised the love of a grandparent.
It’s a love that accepts that they won’t see or hear much from those they’ve dedicated a lifetime loving and providing for, even in the final precious years of their lives, but continues to hope and wish for the best for them even if it’s only from afar.
My niece Mikayla with her grandparents and great-grandparents. Both grandparents and great-grandparents don't get to see Mikayla often, but their faces light up every time they do.
Sometimes, it feels like my grandfather and I are worlds apart. I know he doesn’t understand a lot of the things I do, like paying RM400 for a pair of jeans. Or why I don’t cut my hair more often, and when I do, why I’d pay RM50 for it when the barber across the street can do it for RM5.
But he never complains, even though he’s never known such luxuries or excesses in his life, which was all about providing for his 10 children in the abject poverty of probably Kuala Lumpur’s most notorious new village, Jinjang.
He’s lived through the death of both his parents as a teenager during the Malayan Emergency; a period in his life that left such a mark on him that until now he never wastes any food on the table, remembering the times when even a sweet potato was hard to come by. War, he tells me, is a terrible thing to live through.
Yet, having been through all he has, he told us on Sunday that we, as a family, have experienced the “Five Blessings”.
He said we’ve had health, he’s had longevity, we’re all honest, hard-working people and he’s getting proper hospice to see out his final days; though he added cheekily: “You guys don’t really have wealth, but that’s okay.”
Earlier on, the doctors discharged him because his final wish was to spend one last Chinese New Year with us. During that period, my brothers and I took him out for dinner at a shabby Chinese restaurant because the fancy one we wanted to bring him to was booked up for a wedding.
One of my grandfather's final wishes after he was diagnosed with terminal leukemia was to spend one last Chinese New Year with the family. This was it.
He was so happy just to have that meal with us, he quoted a Chinese proverb which says that as beautiful as the sunset is, it only lasts for a fleeting moment.
True enough, he was re-admitted last Thursday, delirious, gasping for air and shaking uncontrollably. The doctors told us he might not make it, so he gave his last words to his children as soon as he was lucid again.
He phoned those overseas, including my father, even though he could only mumble a few words while they comforted him and promised to come back as soon as possible.
He somehow pulled through, and is fighting the infection that forced him back to the hospital. I’ve been going there every day since, just hoping to spend some time with him whenever he feels well enough to communicate. Again, he’s always telling me not to stay at the hospital too long and to go out and enjoy life.
But the pain of knowing that you are about to lose someone you love can make you wonder if life is worth living in the first place. The only consolation I have is that I have given him some joy in the sunset of his life, and thanks to him I now know that I am truly blessed.
* All the pictures in this post are by my brother, Elroi Yee.
February 24th, 2010at 1:39 pm(#)
Good writing, really touching.. That’s fact of life.. I love my grandparent too..
February 24th, 2010at 1:53 pm(#)
Zaiem: Thank you… But I got all the inspiration I needed to write this from someone else. He deserves more credit than me.
February 24th, 2010at 3:33 pm(#)
bro, simple yet heartwarming bro….
February 24th, 2010at 3:47 pm(#)
Very well written and really touching. Hope your grandfather will continue to get better.
February 24th, 2010at 4:59 pm(#)
If not now when? Life won’t wait for you. Not forever at least.
February 25th, 2010at 1:54 am(#)
Excellent and very touching story…loved it..
February 25th, 2010at 10:48 am(#)
Ian, this is piece speaks volume of what holds dear to u
Good ‘job’
February 25th, 2010at 2:29 pm(#)
Thank you for all your kind words.
My grandad was really pleased to see the article in the papers yesterday. I didn’t tell him about it before, because he’d probably say there was nothing interesting to write about his life…
But nevertheless, it got him to smile, which looks like a lot of effort for him these days.
He asked my uncles and aunts to buy a few extra copies, even though he doesn’t know English =) I’ve never felt as pleased to have written something in my entire life.
February 25th, 2010at 6:29 pm(#)
top post, your granddad would be a proud man. get winnie to translate for you lah lol.
February 26th, 2010at 4:07 pm(#)
Hi! I believed that your grandfather have a good life with all of you, acknowledge him as a great man in earth to have you guys who love him so much. Be with him as long as you can…..I never meet my grandfather before…you are lucky than me at least you be able to spend good time with him in your life.
February 26th, 2010at 9:14 pm(#)
gong gong cried when he saw the paper. he was really happy.
February 28th, 2010at 5:18 pm(#)
a simple,pure and heartwarming write.
your words cleverly spun to create a very touching article.
it really touched the core of my heart when i read it in the newspaper. i reposted this to a friend of mine who is also going through the same situation.
March 2nd, 2010at 3:29 pm(#)
We should ALWAYS be THANKFUL and GRATEFUL for all the blessing that god has given us. Spent as much time as possible with your loved ones so that when that person is gone back with his creator, you dont have to feel regret knowing that you didnt spent time with them by giving them loads of TLC.
March 2nd, 2010at 3:39 pm(#)
Ian, well written…
very heart-warming and touching!
March 2nd, 2010at 4:00 pm(#)
None of my grandparents are here anymore….reading this reminded me too of how much I had neglected them while they were still here. Will be praying for your family through this period of time.
I’m touched by what you’ve written. Thank for you gentle reminder to remember to appreciate everything we have in life especially the relationships we have with those we love and those who love us dearly.
Take care bro. Hope we all can get together and reminisce old times again
P.S I can’t believe Mikayla is so big now….
March 2nd, 2010at 7:06 pm(#)
Thank you for this…. It really touched my heart,, and it reminds me of my grandmother(the only grandparent I have left) she’s my mothers mom.
March 3rd, 2010at 6:49 pm(#)
ian, so touching. made me cry. may god bless gong gong =’)
March 14th, 2010at 3:17 pm(#)
Rest in peace, Grandpa. You were the kindest, most humble man I’ve ever known. I am who I am because of you. Love, Ian.
- March 14, 2010
March 14th, 2010at 10:03 pm(#)
Dear Ian,
My condolences to you and your family on the demise of your beloved grandfather. He has lived a great life and I certainly believed so. Though I may not know you, I have came across from my friend’s friend’s friend’s twitter before arriving at this blog post.
Rest in peace, Ah Gong.
Regards,
William
Twitter: @williamnka
March 24th, 2010at 12:09 pm(#)
That was very lovely it made me think about my grandfathers last days and he also left us with words of wisdom from the holy bible.He also was very giving and spoke words of wisdom into my siblings and I.You my young friend have honestly blessed my soul with your love and respect you show for your grandfather,may GOD bless you and your family all the days of your lives thank you so very,very much.(I’m praying that you get what the most high GOD wants you to have because what GOD wants you to have will always be better for you,than what you think you need or what you think you deserve and that’s in JESUS NAME AMEN!
March 26th, 2010at 6:45 pm(#)
u are very lucky. i had a grandmother which i ignored her once upon a time. whe she was counting her days, i couldn’t even vist her in the hospital because i was havin my spm trial exm in a boarding school. i didnt even went to her funeral to pay respect. Now, your story makes me feel so miserable. i should have went back. You are so lucky bro. Even now i am apart from my family. Today i promise that i will not neglect my parents. i cross my heart. Thank you for open my eyes.
March 27th, 2010at 8:10 pm(#)
You have been blessed with a wonderful grandfather. I hope you would cherish your other family members just as he cherished his. It’s great that you’re sharing this story!
June 2nd, 2010at 12:53 am(#)
Great article.. Cant hold bck my tears while reading, I lost my grndfather last year too. Never knew that I loved him that much till his sudden death. Never had a chance to say how much he meant for me. Remembered the last time i saw him before his death was about a month ago, claiming myself to be so busy. I was so blinded, with work. Not till grandpa’s death and my mum sickness now that i learn the value of family. Miss him in every way and im sure u do as well. Love the ones who are left behind now. Cheers.
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October 29th, 2010at 4:25 pm(#)
I happened to know one of your aunties who told me about your article. Good writing!
I lost my father whom I was very close to in May 2009. I still miss him dearly. The meaning of living is to carry on and pass on our parents’(or grandparents) good teaching and way of life to the next generation. Remind your younger nieces and nephews how your grandpa was. Then the Wu Fu Lin Men truly lives on.
September 22nd, 2011at 12:52 pm(#)
You have been blessed with a wonderful grandfather. I hope you would cherish your other family members just as he cherished his. It’s great that you’re sharing this story!
September 26th, 2011at 6:23 am(#)
This is a really nice and heartbreaking story. It seems like with such a large family he lived a full life.
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